This question of where and in what context you meet women is what I call demographics, and it is by-and-large ignored by pretty much all dating advice out there today. This absolutely boggles my mind since social interactions are always contextual and therefore picking up women is always contextual.
The fact is that some books tell a 40-year-old divorced banker meeting women at an art gallery the same thing that they tell a 19- year-old college kid sneaking into house parties. This is stupid. These two guys have completely different priorities, life experiences, personalities, interests, and the women they’re going to meet in those two locations are going to be different in age, education, values, emotional development, appearance and interests. That some books would give these men the exact same lines or strategies to use just goes to show how completely out of tune a lot of men’s dating advice and pick up theory is today
The theory of demographics is simple and easy to remember: like attracts like. If you’re a successful professional who likes fine wine, studied abroad and dresses well, chances are the type of women you’re going to naturally meet and attract in your everyday life are going to be similarly-educated, similar-looking women with similar interests and similar success.
A demographic mismatch can be seen in terms of friction. If she loves to ski and ride horses, and you hate the outdoors and traveling, then that’s going to cause friction -- perhaps not immediately, but at some point.
If she values having fun, expressing her emotions openly and what her friends think of her, and you value serious conversation, intellectual pursuits and don’t care much for social gatherings, there’s going to be a large amount of friction from the get-go. This is unavoidable. Pick up lines won’t change it. Being good-looking won’t change it. Being rich won’t change it. If you hate what she loves and she hates what you love, it’s not going to go anywhere. Period. The examples are endless. But this explains why sometimes you meet women you just “click” with, and more often than not, you meet these women in situations that you’re having fun and doing what you love.
If she dedicates a lot of time and effort to her appearance and enjoys getting attention from good-looking guys, and you don’t shower, dress poorly and haven’t ever seen the inside of a gym, then there is going to be a large amount of friction. These are the cold, hard facts. Nobody probably tells you this. But it’s obvious and it’s true. Sorry.
The theory of demographics has advantages as well: if you play to your strengths, i.e., if you focus your time and energy on meeting women in situations who are likely to share your values, interests and needs, then you’re going to not only experience a much higher degree of success, but you’re going to meet women you enjoy a lot more. For instance, I love to travel. And I love meeting women who love to travel. It’s absolutely my favorite thing to talk about and typically if I find a well-traveled woman, I find it very easy to pick her up and date her. When I’m in a random bar in Texas, I rarely meet women who have traveled. But when I go to a European wine-tasting in New York, I almost meet nothing BUT women who love to travel.
Bars and night clubs are generally considered “meat markets” or the obvious places everyone goes to meet someone. But think about the people and context in which you’re walking into in a bar or night club: a high energy, generic party situation, where people value having fun and spending time with their friends. Assuming you’re a guy who loves to party, have fun and hang out with a bunch of new friends, that’s great. But if you’re not that naturally outgoing social type, then chances are you’re not going to be very compatible with most of the people there. It isn’t until you develop that aspect of your personality or lifestyle that those women will begin to open up to you.
I’m not saying that you should never go to bars or clubs, but the point I’m making is that you should pay attention where you’re meeting women and the type of women that you meet. If you’re a 49-year-old software consultant, overweight, and enjoy reading poetry in your free time, chances are you’re going to have little to nothing to talk about and/or offer a 22-year-old go-go dancer high-school-dropout down at Lust Thursdays other than your appreciation for her tight ass and her appreciation for your wallet.
What I recommend to every guy before he even begins talking to women is to sit down for a while and ask himself some questions:
What do you value you in a woman? Honesty? Affection? Intelligence? Curiosity? Similar interests? Education?
Women with the traits that you value, where do they frequent? Where are you most likely to find them?
What do you enjoy doing most? Do you love to read/write? Do you play music? Do you enjoy sports and competitions? What are events or organizations that you can become involved in that explore your hobbies?
If you don’t know what your passions and interests are, take a minute and write down things that you’ve always wanted to do but have never had the time or never worked up the nerve to do. Make a promise to yourself to get involved in that activity or event in some way.
Obviously, not every interest is going to be overflowing with women. If you are a competitive chess player, chances are you are not going to meet many women at chess tournaments. But few people have only one passion or interest. And chances are that you have at least a few things that you’re interested in that are overflowing with women.
Here are examples of some great hobbies/events that you can use to meet women at:
Dance classes (salsa, swing, ballroom, etc)
Political organizations or events
Concerts and concert promotions
Amateur sports leagues
Volunteering, charities, charities events (usually overloaded with great women)
Training courses (leadership, public speaking)
Cooking classes
Yoga classes (a goldmine)
Meditation courses and retreats
Whenever I’m in the US and I meet a woman from say, Argentina, and I immediately start telling her about the three months I lived in Buenos Aires... in Spanish... it’s pretty easy to pick her up, as you can imagine.
Again, demographics should not determine where you go or don’t go, but just be aware that it affects every interaction you have with women. If there is too large of a demographic mismatch, then the friction will be incredibly high, and no matter how attractive you are, she’s not going to be able to connect with it
Women who ONLY care about things such as looks and money are usually going to be women who you’re not going to be interested in or who are going to make you happy. With that said, everybody values looks and success to some extent. So it’s not something we can write off completely.
You should be as good looking as you can possibly be. And you should be as financially successful as you can possibly be. And even the most interesting and well-rounded and psychologically healthy women are still going to prefer a good-looking and successful man to one who isn’t.
The more money/looks/success you have, the less attractive behavior you need. The less money/looks/success you have, the more attractive behavior you need.
Racial stereotypes can be used to your advantage. What I’ve found, and what many minority men have found, is that if you can calibrate your behavior to contrast your racial stereotype, you’ll actually create a lot of intrigue and attraction.
For instance, if you’re an Asian man, making an effort to be even more playful and energetic and aggressive will actually net you even more positive reactions than a white guy behaving the same way. If you’re a black man, behaving in a sensitive and understanding way will often net you more positive responses than if a white guy does it. The reason this works is because you’re going against your racial stereotype. Consciously or not, many women will see an Asian guy approach her and automatically assume that he’s going to be a boring engineer or something... but if he turns out to be the most engaging and exciting man that they’ve met, it creates a high level of intrigue. Your simple presence and behavior challenges their conceptions of what Asian men are like and therefore makes you incredibly unique right off the bat.
Social proof is the idea that as humans, when we see many other people valuing something, we will unconsciously value it ourselves If everybody else is talking about a new movie, we are more likely to want to see it because we’ll unconsciously assume that it’s a good or important movie to see. This works with people as well. If you’re at a party and someone walks in and everybody in the party stops what they’re doing to turn and say hello to that person, your first thought would probably, “Wow, who is that guy?” Chances are you’d want to meet him as well. The idea is that this applies to women and attraction as well. If you are that man who walks into a room and everybody stops what they are doing to talk to you, then the women in the room are more likely to perceive you as high status and be attracted to you. This is why men in power, celebrities, athletes, etc. are desired by so many women.
There are two primary differences when dealing with the Top 1% demographic. The first is that the most beautiful women rarely ever settle for a man who is not a total package -- or a man who does not have all of the three fundamentals handled. The second difference is that extremely beautiful women are far less needy than the average woman and therefore they’re going to be extremely attuned and sensitive to any neediness in men. Ironically, the fact that these women are so beautiful often causes men to become even MORE needy than usual.
When it comes to beautiful women, the answer is to stop caring about how beautiful they are. This sounds totally counter-intuitive at first, but it’s true. Top 1% women are treated differently their entire lives by men. These men project their fears and fantasies onto these women, and when they approach them, they’re doing it for their own self- esteem and validation, not because they actually care what the girl is like or interested in.
The first step to doing this is to ditch the any sort of rating scale for women. Again, I was guilty of this for a long time, but the ratings scale is toxic in so many ways, the worst of which is that it subtly stereotypes behavior based upon appearance. So the fact that you even recognize in your mind that approaching a “10ʺʺ to be different than a “7ʺʺ is immediately going to affect your behavior towards her. A rating scale is a subtle and unconscious way of putting women on a pedestal and therefore highly-investing yourself for superficial reasons and making yourself needier. This leads to unattractive intentions which will permeate all of your behavior. Top 1% women will sense this immediately, because Top 1% women have been dealing with needy men their entire lives. They can smell it a mile away.
The other problem with treating women differently based on ratings is simply that it doesn’t work. You’ll meet 10’s who think they’re 5’s and 5’s who think they’re 10’s. Not to mention that your 6 could be my 8 and my 5 could be your 9. At the end of the day, her behavior is more determined on how she sees herself more than how others see her. So it’s pointless. When you approach, she’s just another woman. You really have to stop caring.
I never, ever, ever, EVER heard one of these girls speak of men in terms of not being cool enough or not being rich enough or good-looking enough to hang out with them. In fact, I never heard any of them say anything derogatory about men hitting on them EXCEPT for the man’s lack of confidence, lack of respect or lack of authenticity around her.
A typical complaint from a normal girl: “He’s really nice, why doesn’t he ask me out on a date more often?”
A typical complaint from a very hot girl: “Ugh, that club-owner keeps flashing his watch at me. He’s so sleazy”
Imagine having EVERYONE evaluate you for how pretty you are and not your personality or what you say. You’d actually be pretty insecure about what people thought of you. This is also why the best way to net a Top 1% girl is to connect with her genuinely and emotionally as soon as possible. Find something that you like about her other than her looks and relate that to her honestly.
If there’s one take-away from this chapter, it’s that it is far more powerful to be something attractive rather than to say something attractive. You can say the most attractive sentence in the world, but if it isn’t backed up by who you are, then it’s not going to have any meaning. Whereas if you ARE something amazing, then no matter what you say will be attractive, because it will be coming from a genuinely attractive man.
For instance, imagine you meet two different men. One of them is a scrubby, ugly, and shady character. He can’t look you in the eye. He smells bad. He mumbles to himself and scratches himself in inappropriate places. While you’re talking to him, he looks at you and says, “You know, I get a good feeling from you, you’re someone worth knowing.” How would that make you feel? You’d probably get the creeps and want to get away from him as quickly as you could.
Now imagine you’re talking to a handsome, successful man who is charismatic and charming. Everything he says is fascinating and interesting. Then he looks you in the eye and says, “You know, I get a good feeling from you, you’re someone worth knowing.” How would that make you feel? It’d make your day. Why? Because the second man IS someone. He’s not just saying interesting and charming things, but he IS interesting and charming. Suddenly the words that come out of his mouth have a whole new weight and meaning. This is why learning pick up techniques and tactics without the fundamental base of a strong lifestyle and identity is more or less useless.