Chapter 8: Demographics


  • This question of where and in what context you meet women is what I call
    demographics, and it is by-and-large ignored by pretty much all dating advice out there
    today. This absolutely boggles my mind since social interactions are always contextual
    and therefore picking up women is always contextual.
  • The fact is that some books tell a 40-year-old divorced banker meeting women at an art
    gallery the same thing that they tell a 19- year-old college kid sneaking into house
    parties. This is stupid. These two guys have completely different priorities, life
    experiences, personalities, interests, and the women they’re going to meet in those two
    locations are going to be different in age, education, values, emotional development,
    appearance and interests. That some books would give these men the exact same lines
    or strategies to use just goes to show how completely out of tune a lot of men’s dating
    advice and pick up theory is today
  • The theory of demographics is simple and easy to remember: like attracts like. If you’re
    a successful professional who likes fine wine, studied abroad and dresses well, chances
    are the type of women you’re going to naturally meet and attract in your everyday life
    are going to be similarly-educated, similar-looking women with similar interests and
    similar success.
  • A demographic mismatch can be seen in terms of friction. If she loves to ski and ride
    horses, and you hate the outdoors and traveling, then that’s going to cause friction --
    perhaps not immediately, but at some point.  
  • If she values having fun, expressing her emotions openly and what her friends think of
    her, and you value serious conversation, intellectual pursuits and don’t care much for
    social gatherings, there’s going to be a large amount of friction from the get-go. This is
    unavoidable. Pick up lines won’t change it. Being good-looking won’t change it. Being
    rich won’t change it. If you hate what she loves and she hates what you love, it’s not
    going to go anywhere. Period. The examples are endless. But this explains why sometimes you meet women you just “click” with, and more often than not, you meet these women in situations that you’re having fun and doing what you love.
  • If she dedicates a lot of time and effort to her appearance and enjoys getting attention
    from good-looking guys, and you don’t shower, dress poorly and haven’t ever seen the
    inside of a gym, then there is going to be a large amount of friction. These are the cold,
    hard facts. Nobody probably tells you this. But it’s obvious and it’s true. Sorry.
  • The theory of demographics has advantages as well: if you play to your strengths, i.e., if
    you focus your time and energy on meeting women in situations who are likely to share
    your values, interests and needs, then you’re going to not only experience a much
    higher degree of success, but you’re going to meet women you enjoy a lot more. For
    instance, I love to travel. And I love meeting women who love to travel. It’s absolutely
    my favorite thing to talk about and typically if I find a well-traveled woman, I find it very
    easy to pick her up and date her. When I’m in a random bar in Texas, I rarely meet
    women who have traveled. But when I go to a European wine-tasting in New York, I
    almost meet nothing BUT women who love to travel.
  • Bars and night clubs are generally considered “meat markets” or the obvious places
    everyone goes to meet someone. But think about the people and context in which
    you’re walking into in a bar or night club: a high energy, generic party situation, where
    people value having fun and spending time with their friends. Assuming you’re a guy
    who loves to party, have fun and hang out with a bunch of new friends, that’s great. But
    if you’re not that naturally outgoing social type, then chances are you’re not going to be
    very compatible with most of the people there. It isn’t until you develop that aspect of
    your personality or lifestyle that those women will begin to open up to you.  
  • I’m not saying that you should never go to bars or clubs, but the point I’m making is that
    you should pay attention where you’re meeting women and the type of women that
    you meet. If you’re a 49-year-old software consultant, overweight, and enjoy reading
    poetry in your free time, chances are you’re going to have little to nothing to talk about
    and/or offer a 22-year-old go-go dancer high-school-dropout down at Lust Thursdays
    other than your appreciation for her tight ass and her appreciation for your wallet.
  • What I recommend to every guy before he even begins talking to women is to sit down
    for a while and ask himself some questions:
    • What do you value you in a woman? Honesty? Affection? Intelligence? Curiosity?
      Similar interests? Education?
    • Women with the traits that you value, where do they frequent? Where are you
      most likely to find them?
    • What do you enjoy doing most? Do you love to read/write? Do you play music?
      Do you enjoy sports and competitions? What are events or organizations that
      you can become involved in that explore your hobbies?
    • If you don’t know what your passions and interests are, take a minute and write
      down things that you’ve always wanted to do but have never had the time or
      never worked up the nerve to do. Make a promise to yourself to get involved in
      that activity or event in some way.  
  • Obviously, not every interest is going to be overflowing with women. If you are a
    competitive chess player, chances are you are not going to meet many women at chess
    tournaments. But few people have only one passion or interest. And chances are that
    you have at least a few things that you’re interested in that are overflowing with
  • Here are examples of some great hobbies/events that you can use to meet women at:
    • Dance classes (salsa, swing, ballroom, etc)
    • Political organizations or events
    • Concerts and concert promotions
    • Amateur sports leagues  
    • Volunteering, charities, charities events (usually overloaded with great women)
    • Training courses (leadership, public speaking)
    • Cooking classes
    • Yoga classes (a goldmine)
    • Meditation courses and retreats
  • Whenever I’m in the US and I meet a woman from say, Argentina, and I immediately
    start telling her about the three months I lived in Buenos Aires... in Spanish... it’s pretty
    easy to pick her up, as you can imagine.
  • Again, demographics should not determine where you go or don’t go, but just be aware
    that it affects every interaction you have with women. If there is too large of a
    demographic mismatch, then the friction will be incredibly high, and no matter how
    attractive you are, she’s not going to be able to connect with it
  • Women who ONLY care about things such as looks and money are usually going to be
    women who you’re not going to be interested in or who are going to make you happy.
    With that said, everybody values looks and success to some extent. So it’s not
    something we can write off completely.
  • You should be as good looking as you can possibly be. And you should be as financially
    successful as you can possibly be. And even the most interesting and well-rounded and
    psychologically healthy women are still going to prefer a good-looking and successful
    man to one who isn’t.
  • The more money/looks/success you have, the less attractive behavior you need. The
    less money/looks/success you have, the more attractive behavior you need.
  • Racial stereotypes can be used to your advantage. What I’ve found, and what many
    minority men have found, is that if you can calibrate your behavior to contrast your
    racial stereotype, you’ll actually create a lot of intrigue and attraction.
  • For instance, if you’re an Asian man, making an effort to be even more playful and
    energetic and aggressive will actually net you even more positive reactions than a white
    guy behaving the same way. If you’re a black man, behaving in a sensitive and
    understanding way will often net you more positive responses than if a white guy does
    it. The reason this works is because you’re going against your racial stereotype.
    Consciously or not, many women will see an Asian guy approach her and automatically
    assume that he’s going to be a boring engineer or something... but if he turns out to be
    the most engaging and exciting man that they’ve met, it creates a high level of intrigue.
    Your simple presence and behavior challenges their conceptions of what Asian men are
    like and therefore makes you incredibly unique right off the bat.
  • Social proof is the idea that as humans, when we see many other people valuing
    something, we will unconsciously value it ourselves If everybody else is talking about a
    new movie, we are more likely to want to see it because we’ll unconsciously assume
    that it’s a good or important movie to see. This works with people as well. If you’re at a
    party and someone walks in and everybody in the party stops what they’re doing to turn
    and say hello to that person, your first thought would probably, “Wow, who is that guy?” Chances are you’d want to meet him as well. The idea is that this applies to women and attraction as well. If you are that man who walks into a room and
    everybody stops what they are doing to talk to you, then the women in the room are
    more likely to perceive you as high status and be attracted to you. This is why men in
    power, celebrities, athletes, etc. are desired by so many women.
  • There are two primary differences when dealing with the Top 1% demographic. The first
    is that the most beautiful women rarely ever settle for a man who is not a total package
    -- or a man who does not have all of the three fundamentals handled. The second
    difference is that extremely beautiful women are far less needy than the average
    woman and therefore they’re going to be extremely attuned and sensitive to any
    neediness in men. Ironically, the fact that these women are so beautiful often causes
    men to become even MORE needy than usual.
  • When it comes to beautiful women, the answer is to stop caring about how beautiful
    they are. This sounds totally counter-intuitive at first, but it’s true. Top 1% women are
    treated differently their entire lives by men. These men project their fears and fantasies
    onto these women, and when they approach them, they’re doing it for their own self-
    esteem and validation, not because they actually care what the girl is like or interested
  • The first step to doing this is to ditch the any sort of rating scale for women. Again, I was
    guilty of this for a long time, but the ratings scale is toxic in so many ways, the worst of
    which is that it subtly stereotypes behavior based upon appearance. So the fact that you
    even recognize in your mind that approaching a “10ʺʺ to be different than a “7ʺʺ is
    immediately going to affect your behavior towards her. A rating scale is a subtle and
    unconscious way of putting women on a pedestal and therefore highly-investing
    yourself for superficial reasons and making yourself needier. This leads to unattractive
    intentions which will permeate all of your behavior. Top 1% women will sense this
    immediately, because Top 1% women have been dealing with needy men their entire
    lives. They can smell it a mile away.
  • The other problem with treating women differently based on ratings is simply that it
    doesn’t work. You’ll meet 10’s who think they’re 5’s and 5’s who think they’re 10’s. Not
    to mention that your 6 could be my 8 and my 5 could be your 9. At the end of the day,
    her behavior is more determined on how she sees herself more than how others see
    her. So it’s pointless. When you approach, she’s just another woman. You really have to
    stop caring.
  • I never, ever, ever, EVER heard one of these girls speak of men in terms of not being
    cool enough or not being rich enough or good-looking enough to hang out with them. In
    fact, I never heard any of them say anything derogatory about men hitting on them EXCEPT for the man’s lack of confidence, lack of respect or lack of authenticity around her.
  • A typical complaint from a normal girl: “He’s really nice, why doesn’t he ask me out on a
    date more often?”  
  • A typical complaint from a very hot girl: “Ugh, that club-owner keeps flashing his watch
    at me. He’s so sleazy”
  • Imagine having EVERYONE evaluate you for how pretty you are and not your personality
    or what you say. You’d actually be pretty insecure about what people thought of you.
    This is also why the best way to net a Top 1% girl is to connect with her genuinely and
    emotionally as soon as possible. Find something that you like about her other than her
    looks and relate that to her honestly.
  • If there’s one take-away from this chapter, it’s that it is far more powerful to be
    something attractive rather than to say something attractive. You can say the most
    attractive sentence in the world, but if it isn’t backed up by who you are, then it’s not
    going to have any meaning. Whereas if you ARE something amazing, then no matter
    what you say will be attractive, because it will be coming from a genuinely attractive
  • For instance, imagine you meet two different men. One of them is a scrubby, ugly, and
    shady character. He can’t look you in the eye. He smells bad. He mumbles to himself and
    scratches himself in inappropriate places. While you’re talking to him, he looks at you
    and says, “You know, I get a good feeling from you, you’re someone worth knowing.”
    How would that make you feel? You’d probably get the creeps and want to get away
    from him as quickly as you could.  
  • Now imagine you’re talking to a handsome, successful man who is charismatic and
    charming. Everything he says is fascinating and interesting. Then he looks you in the eye
    and says, “You know, I get a good feeling from you, you’re someone worth knowing.”
    How would that make you feel? It’d make your day. Why? Because the second man IS
    someone. He’s not just saying interesting and charming things, but he IS interesting and
    charming. Suddenly the words that come out of his mouth have a whole new weight
    and meaning. This is why learning pick up techniques and tactics without the
    fundamental base of a strong lifestyle and identity is more or less useless.